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30 Chuck Norris Facts

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1.Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2.Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

3.Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

4.The Dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. ONCE.

5.Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

6.Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

7.When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

8.If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

9.Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

10.The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

11.When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

12.Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

13.Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

14.Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

15.Chuck Norris' penis is so large that it actually warps the fabric of space-time. Indeed some physicists now theorise that the passage of time is mearly a byproduct of Norris' colossal erections. This is known as the "Chuck Norris' big cock theory of space-time".

16.Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

17.As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

18.Chuck Norris invented the spoon because using knives to kill people was just too easy.

19.Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever the fuck he wants.

20.If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

21.A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

22.Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because he is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

23.To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

24.Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

25.Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.

26.Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

27.A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

28.Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

29.When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

30.Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
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